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You know what I have felt like this on a number od occasions over my life time.
Even now when I have two wonderful grown up children I sometimes feel the same.
All can say to any of you who are out there is, look at what you have got.
If I had had my way I would have been dead at 25 years old and if that had been the case then I would not have had two beautiful human begins, my son who is now a policeman and my daughter who is now travelling the world.
Even after thier birth I have felt like committing sucicide and still do on occassions.
But the one thing that keeps me going is the love of those around me.
I hope you find happineess through the darkneesss like I have.
Remember if I had given in all those years ago there would not be two beautiful people leading their lives like they are now. And giving me so much joy
I matbe a lot older than you are but I was abused and lonely at your age and I came through it all.
You can make it. You have so much to live for.
Take Care
Kathy
8 Sep 2005 Scors-b What follows is an account of my suicidal plans and thoughts over the last 2 years. If someone emails me I may post again.
There are several problems with most common suicide methods. Overdose is hard because you can under or over do it, which leads to vomiting. It's can also be quite slow (unless you loose consciousness first) and incredibly painful. (Trust me on that one!)
Cutting has a fatality rate of less than 10% (so I hear). The body is very effective at stopping bleeding... and think about how much blood you have to loose (the body holds about 10 pints!)
Personally I would say the most certain ones are the 'bread and butter' ways - jumping from a great height, or in front of a high speed train. I know in England we have something called the eurostar (it goes to Paris) that runs very fast, through several small town stations. I often thought about getting on to the rails in front of one. The trouble is there is no timetable for when it passes through these places, and climbing to the middle rails as it hurtled forward at 120mph would have me ****ing myself.
There was even a very tall, 4 lane motorway bridge where I used to live, which I could jump from. (This was when I went to boarding school) The trouble was, how could I get there? I have trouble walking long distances, and I could hardly take a cab! (Can you imagine it?! »err, one-way to the bloody great bridge please mate!«)
The thing is, trying to plan a certain death is a hard thing to do. Our whole society is geared against talking or even thinking about these issues. As you probably know, talking seriously to someone about suicide is nigh on impossible. People would much rather keep one eye closed when it comes to these matters. For me, this was a great problem.
I had a plan though: I could always hold on to the overdose idea. I could execute it at school, in my private study. No-one ever came to see me, so disturbance wasn't a big problem. All I needed was a large amount of readily available tablets. Getting them was not too hard, I just had to go to 3 or 4 shops on the same street, that was easy. It was the taking them that was the hard part. If you have ever had to take regular medication, you'll know that by about the fourth tablet it becomes quite hard to swallow. Taking 120 is really tough. Also bear in mind that by the end of it, you won't want to see another painkiller in your life.
It was the first day of the new school term when I decided to do it. Stacks of meds, glasses of water, alcohol. I set to work. 40 long minutes later and I had finally consumed what I had set out to take. I didn't feel that great: just slightly sick in the stomach. I lay on my bed, and what followed was a slow building of pain throughout my body. Then, about 2 hours in, I vomited the whole lot back up again. It was really not pretty. You know in cartoons, when they vomit? It was like that. My jaw was locked open with a wide, projectile flow rushing out and pouring on to my bed. The smell made me even more sick. I could only lie back down, listen to the guys outside and think about what to do next. I would be sick again, within 48 hours, but I didn't know that yet. [see post, 31 Jul 05]
What would you do now? You've just puked your last hope of leaving this world right onto your knees. I sat, there on my bed for a while longer, hoping for God to save me, or for the ground to open up, while still acutely aware that in the huge boarding house there were nearly 100 sixth form students walking around. After 10 or 20 minutes I decided to call an ambulance. Well why not? What else could I do? I could hardly stroll downstairs, with puke down my top and say »Hi guys, how�s it going!«, and I certainly had no intention of going to my lessons.
What followed when the ambulance arrived was a long misery. I was taken to the local hospital and I spent 9 cold and lonely hours in A+E. It felt like a prison cell. From 1pm to 10pm, with a drip in my arm, and very little attention. No food, no water (I couldn�t eat). Just lots of cold sweat, hard to breathe and intense stomach pain. I could feel the acid working its way through the bottom left side of my belly. I still have similar pains today.
At 10pm I was wheeled in to a ward which had a single room. There was a notice on the door about segregation from others. I wasn't sure if it applied to me. I fell asleep to the sound of nurses walking around and the TV in the background. It felt good to be in a safer place. A doctor woke me at midnight, and told me I need to drink this black stuff, charcoal, to help my stomach, I did so, and my drip was changed. I then fell asleep until 06:16 the next morning... See my next post, dated 31 Jul 2005 to find out what happened next.
I suppose it was nice it that ward in a way. I felt safe because I knew there was nothing I had to do now. I was away from the people who hated me, and I could understand exactly why the nurses did what they did. People spoke gently as it was late, and sometimes, I forgot that I was in pain. If only the real world could be like that, just softly melt away, and there would be no pain or fear.
It wasn't to last. And over the next few weeks I realised more than ever how cold the world was. You probably know this yourself, which is why you're here. I feel bad for the kids who have the hard times that they do. Families should be there to love you, and help you grow up, not to abuse you. There should be another way to live. Can't well all just have the happy childhoods' we all wanted? My childhood has made me a scarred young man, and I just don't feel I have any place here anymore. There's no place in this sick world for me. Please tell me you understand, because if you read this far, it must be for a reason. Perhaps when we die, in 2 weeks time, or 2 years, or 70 years, there will be freedom from the sickening oppression that exists here today. I don�t know how to end this post, because to me it feels like life, which is a story, and I don't know how the ending goes. I just hope it's soon.
8 Sep 2005 Sarah when i woke up this morning i wanted to kill my self but after i have read everything these ppl are saying im not so sure now, i mean i will never get to listen to my favroit song again, i will never get to see my favroit TV show again, you say you want to kill your self but have you really thaught about it??? i mean you might be getting put through hell but there are ways to get away from it cuz beleve it or not some one does love you, weather its your best friend or your teacher someone does love you, there are ways to resolve things i mean heres my story my mother ran out on me when i was 8 and i have had to live with my father ever since and about 8 months ago i started to get happy, i fell in love me my brothers and sisters started to get along but then my brother had to go and break into the guy i was in love with house, cuz he liked me back, he was being »protective« but at the same time ruining my life and about 4 months ago i had to move to taylor the shittyist neighbor hood ever! i had to go to an over populated skool, WITCH I HATE!!!! i cant stand it but theres always a solution run away if you have to im concidering that more then death, i wanted to kill my self plenty of times and i have come really close, but i mean im now concidering running away rather then death, yeah lifes a bitch (for some ppl) but trust me your time will come it will suck to have it come too soon if you need any advice IM me on yahoo or email me Lost_lil_girl91@yahoo.com (thats my sn too)
Sarah
7 Sep 2005 anyway... Well, that shit really isn't cool. Cool as in »okay«.
Man... what to say? It's funny hey, I have almost managed to kill myself with drugs that I have been taking (ironically, those prescribed to me by a professional doctor) and I no longer want to commit suicide. Even now as I sit here I am not sure that I am going to live more than days or weeks... hah. How fucking ironic.
You know what I realised? Life is precious. Each individual is never going to come back... they are never going to be born again or wake up in heaven... that shit is just the denial bullshit that religious freaks convince themselves of.
5 Sep 2005 me from holland ia year a go i took 15 sleeping pills it didn't work
5 Sep 2005 Adan Here is an idea.
First, you will need to be insitutionalized. Get your self locked away in some asylum for a long, long time. Not giving yourself anytime to see friends, family. Even do such extreme things in the asylum to get yourself put in your own room.
This is so you can be forgotten. That is Suicide, to live no more, to be forgotten. And you if you have nothing to say at any point in your life. Do this.
Then, when you realize how wonderful an outside life could be, how even pain is something to live for.
Im 21, I questioned suicide since i was 12 up till i was 18. I happy i never died, life did get better. Rate your happiness on a scale from one to 10, if your ready to commit, your at a One. Make a new definition of happiness at 1. Something will be their....
Basicly: the higher your are the harder you fall.
2. Life wll improve.
3. Do you know what could accomplish? could you solve the worlds problems? Maybe, to the latter, the problem has yet to be simplified for you(ie. 2 +2= 4)
4 Sep 2005 Justin I'm 23 and I seem to be the oldest of anyone who I've read posting on here so far. Although, I've only read one page of posts thus far. However, I've been dealing with intense depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 10. The background, well, I was smart. Sometimes I think some of my problems stem from that. But who knows. I was never an attractive guy, I've never had a girlfriend or the like. I was never popular and I never really had any friends until I got into college. Still, high school and junior high were the most terrible years of my life. Every day I thought of killing myself, tried to think of the best ways to kill myself. However, I wasn't one who wanted to pass quietly at home, I wanted to make sure everyone knew that I had died and that they were the ones who had caused it. I fantasized about doing things like hanging myself at school, drinking poison at school, etc. I was in high school when Columbine happened, and for a time I thought that that was what I wish I could do, the ultimate vengeance on those who had made my life so miserable. Still, I never had the guts to do any of it. In the end, I quietly passed from high school to college where things became ever so slightly better. Still, though, without the anti-depressants that I now take, I do not think that I would be alive to be typing this message. However, I am alive and I am typing this message. I have a unique perspective on suicide and death. And if anyone here needs someone to talk to, feel free to email me. I am always available and I do not judge.
4 Sep 2005 green cold.
i feel cold and empty.
i blank out everything until i am just
an empty shell
waiting for things to change which never will.
darkness is so inviting
never to feel again
never to be responsible again
i cant deal with life
and all the trouble i am in.
i think about sliding into
cold dark water.
looking up as i sink into death.
or a pill to take away the pain
drifting away into mist.
i lay here waiting for the end of all things.
darkness is all around
undetected by others, but always here
inside me.
i.. am.. cold..
i am so scared.
2 Sep 2005 Scors-b There are many, many ways that you could try to kill yourself. But first, I would say try to 'live yourself'. Most of lifes problems are solveable if you give it long enough... and the ones that are not solveable can usually be worked around.
When I was 13, all I could see was problems, and in many ways I was right. I didn't think that I could live unless some devine power got rid of the bad parts for me. And even though these problems never went away, I have learnt to live with them because other parts of my life got better.
I'm not saying that suicide is never the answer, because it can be, but 99% of the time there is a workaround. For example, with me it was depression. It sucked. Every minute of every day truely sucked. And even when it went away, i still had other things.
My physical disfigurements, family problems, my social introvertedness, my fear of meeting new people. And it still does suck, I guess. But I don't mind so much now. It's taken me this long to come to terms with my life... but I feel it was worth it. It really can be 'liveable' if you give it a chance, I promise :)
If you have read this far you probably want to know more about something. How to commit suicide? About me? Or depression? Well, you can send anything you want to know to my email address (just click my nickname) but please tell me a bit about yourself aswell.
ps. heres a site, pretty self explanatory-
suicidemethods.net .... but please dont do anything you could regret in 10 years time :) Much love, Will
1 Sep 2005 Ehron I am not sure where to start. I've always been a person who struggles with seeing the positive side of things. I am a perfectionist, and guilt myself with anything and everything. I am not suicidal, but I am very depressed. It comes and goes, some good days and others not so.
The reason why I have stumbled across this website is because my former »best friend« emailed me recently because he wanted to talk.
I am sitting here trying to think what I would say to him since his suicide attempt Jan 25th, 2004. That night was horrible, I didn't know how to understand the things that happened. So much happened that night.
I thought he wanted to have sex with me, then I thought he was going to be raped by someone who had just grabbed him in the neck to choke him. I hit that guy, we (as in 2 on lookers and I) hid the 4 oz. of mushrooms.
I held him to the floor for 45 minutes so he couldn't hurt himself anymore. The ambulence attendants told me that he was acting differently than what someone on mushrooms would be if they took too much. But I guess that taking 9 grams and being Bipolar isn't a great idea... he was never diagnosed until after this situation.
That night, I was telling him anything and everything I thought he wanted to hear so he wouldn't leave me. I don't even know what else to write. I am so numb from the events... I have gone over and over again what I could have done differently to prevent this... and now it just feels like a nightmare... like it didn't happen but it still hurts me. I don't know what to say to him now...
All I can say to any of you is that the people around you are hurting because they can't help you. Nothin they do is right for you because you tell them so, or no response is given.
I dropped out of college, lost my job, and sat in my apartment wanting to die but I couldn't give up. I don't want to hurt others as I have been hurt. Life DOES move on.
There are other options, just keep your eyes out for them.
He left me in the dark, and I died inside thinking it was my fault. I have been too proud for councelling, its something I think about humbling myself for. A chance to leave this pain in my past.
1 Sep 2005 Will Snow I want to say something important to everyone. Well last week i took an overdose of some anti depressants. I did it to seek attention. I didnt do it to try and kill myself. Well all was fine until the next morning when i got up and i didnt feel too good. I had a cold sensation go through me and my heart raced at a very hard pace and i was struggling to breath. After 10 mins, it wore off and was able to get up. At this point i was very shaky. The following days it was the same and i just couldnt do much at all. Well on the tuesday this week i had to see my doctor and he told me that i have damaged my heart in the fact the rythym is now beating wrong and thats why ive benn bad. It was to do with the medication and its one of the many possible side effects. So now i have to take it easy and not do any exercise. He also told me that my heart could have stopped and that i should have gone to hospital to have my heart checked overnight. Thankfully it should right itself after a month or two, but it has given me a hard lesson. I actually had a fear of dying, no matter how hard life is.
26 Aug 2005 Listen to me.. Hello, I'm someone here to say a few words. If you are reading this, and plan to commit suicide please take some time to read this. I've been where you are, I have been been very depressed at times and did indeed want to commit suicide...Anyway, I am here to say It will not work. Suicide will only end a very precious thing. Yes, sometimes we all go through hardships we must undertake. But please dont...End it..Everyone..everything..Is here for a reason..Love, Medicine, Helping others..Anything..But you have your own purpose and you should make sure it is complete. Yes We will all die soon but dont rush it, god gave you life so use it (not saying like you HAVE to beleive in god) but..there is help out there if you need Professsional help. (I AM NOT ADVERTISING) But, I am speaking from Exeriences I saw a person try to commit suicide...It was horrible..I am 14...I am speaking this cause I care for life....Yes, I am still heavily depressed but I fight on..Cause one day all pain will end and your life will go on happy and flurishing..So If you are thinking of Commiting suicide thank you for reading thing and please reconsider
26 Aug 2005 fdsa Hi, I'm 17 and I constantly think of suicide. I haven't tried it, but the haunting thought always comes across my mind. I'd say my cause of depression is my social anxiety. I hate being around a lot of people I don't know. I feel like they're judging me; staring at me. Also with girls, there's this girl I like, and I'm sure everyone has this same feeling. The feeling that that person is out of your reach and that you'll be alone forever. I've cried myself to sleep many nights with that thought. I pray to god many times and I know how many of you feel. The feeling that God is there, but not caring for you... Being forsaken. I know how you feel. Video games is my comforter. I play online with a bunch of friends. They feel like my real friends because they know how I feel. My friends here wouldn't understand. I pretend that I'm the character in that perfect world to relieve my stresses and tensions. When I cry myself to sleep, I'd listen a few of Michelle Branch's songs. There's a few particular songs that make me forget everything. Her voice... is soothing.
Thoughts that take away my pride
Trapped in places deep inside
Memories I have come to fear
And I can't make them disappear
"Wait 'til I'm free
I promise you'll see"
"And everything I thought it'd be
Is nothing like it is"
»Somebody alone broken«
"I've caried this weight
For too long..."
"Disassociated
Unapreciated"
"And everything I've hated
Keeping me so jaded"
"I look
Into the mirror"
»And I hate what I see«
"All my lifes disfunction
Alive in front of me"
20 Aug 2005 time is up Hi everyone. I'm 27 and I've had many trials with suicide and life depression. My life has consisted of many good and bad things. I have to be honest - life hasn't been what I wanted. My real problem is that I have a need that I believe can't be filled. That need is love of a woman. I'm very lonely inside even though I am married. I have a beautiful boy and have a good job, and have made significant strides in recoverying from sexual addiction.
I have knowledge that God does live - but I just don't feel His love. I'd have to keep living if I chose to feel it.
Death is really a lie. It doesn't solve the emptiness inside me. Marriage didn't solve it. God has filled it a few times. A girl I loved deeply really filled it. She's gone now - dating some other guy whom it looks like she'll marry.
That is what hurts the most. I feel abandoned and I feel empty. The one person I want ot love me doesn't. Co-dependency is what it is called.
I feel screwed up. The posts here, though, offer a glimpse of no longer being alone. I can relate to the physical and sexual abuse. It really screwed me up.
I guess suicide won't get me the fulfillment I desire. What will?
19 Aug 2005 Jon Like most of you, i wish there was an easy way out of life, my mom hates me my brother whos 12 hates me and wants meto leave, just a couple of minutes ago i was beingn ice to him talkin to him about a game we play online and he is nasty to me like he usually is. Im 19 years old iv always been teased made fun off inschool thats why i skipped and eventually dropped out.
Im crying writing this becuase im so hurt inside i dunno what to do anymore. My only way out off the real world is play video games online with my friends. The only friends i have live accros the country. Im lonely. I dunno what to do, i think all this started when my dad died in 98, ever since then i havent been the same, i dont think the same anymore i dont know whats wrong with me, i never spend time with my mom or brother anymore, its like im pealin away, i wish there was so ammo in the house right now for the gun we have cuss thats the only way i think to get away easy.
Iv thought about killing myself for years but it seems no way is painless..
Why cant mylife be normal why do i always get teased, even my 12 year old brother is bully to me
19 Aug 2005 AL Im only 13 but ive committed suicide more than 3 times and it never works and i'am also a cutter, smoker and a drinker.I do this to help myself release my anger and pain because this is the only way i can think of to relinquish my pain.I started doing this ever since my problems piled on top of each other and i coul'nt think of any oher ways to help me solve it so i did this but this is not the only thing i also did dis because of my parents,dey gave me such pain dat inside of me i just wanted to fukin' scream and bleed to death to show dem how much pain im sufferring.I cant control myself everytime i cut myself and eveytime i smoke because i just wanna go on to release my anger..........
18 Aug 2005 Mad Ad Well what ever way u decide to end your life make sure you die, as i have found out it is nearly impossible to kill your self in an adolesent psychiatric hospital (as i found out)i was 12 when i first tried to kill myself. I tried everything but people would find me and then i would get treated for cuts, or have my stomach pumped or what ever. i spent a year and a half in this shitty hospital with other nutters just like myself so i would personally suggest kill your self where no one can find you, and make sure you die.
16 Aug 2005 julia i dont what what is wrong with me.
i am terribly scared of death AND LIFE.
when i think of airplaines & crashes, i freak out and start crying hysterically.
and then come all these thoughts and visions of pain and fear the people are going through. i dont know how to escape. i realised that suicide will get me no where.. apart from straight to hell, where i do not want to go. life will get you till the end. to a problem-free world. heaven. so the only road is to live.
live.
if you die in an accident, then i guess you are dead for a reason. so you dont goto hell for taking your life yourself (suicide)
always remember.
THE HARDEST THING IN LIFE IS TO LIVE IT.
i dont want to die. never. im ever scared to live too!! every moment i think. i am in the world. any minuite it can collapse and break. i will choke & die.
scream & yell, but it will be over eventually.
people are selfish. we were given a planet and we fucked up. we polluted, didnt care, didnt feed the hungry, didnt make peace with the angry. rebel.protest.destroy. we brought too much bullshit. we fucked up real bad. and now we will pay. we had one chance, and we ruined it. the pain is starting now. plane crashes, earthquakes, tsunamis, wars, WHAT NEXT? WHAT NEXT?
An apocalypse?
Thats all i have to say.
i am depressed, somewhat suicidal. somewhat bipolar. fucked up in the head. confused.lost. i need guidance. i need to stop crying.get myself together, and breathe. but this sorrow in me is driving me crazy. i cant think straight. cant spit out the emotionals i keep inside. this anger bottled up, i cant unscrew the lid. i cant figure this out.
15 Aug 2005 Carol HOW TO KILL YOURSELF NO MATTER WHAT AGE
Something happened in your life or continues to happen in your life to cause these thoughts and the effect is suicide...you know »cause & effect«. For me, adopted, my mother said, »If God hadn't taken away MY children (stillborn) I would have never gotten you.« At six years old or so it fractured my heart, soul, mind, security. My father was ultra strict and both very religious. In ninth grade I was sent away to school until I graduated a senior. I made several attempts in my life time to end my life and all were feeble attempts. Apparently, I wasn't suppose to die but continue living in hell. My most recent attempt at forty years old landed me in jail with three felony counts against me for the rest of my life. Try and get a job with that. You can't, so I made my life even more hellish. You just never know if suicide is going to really work and if you live through it, undoubtedly, you will only worsen your life in some fashion. A vegetable, felon, paralyzed, deformed, and throroughly humiliated and embarassed (if you still have a brain that thinks.) The best way to commit suicide is to kill the cause of your pain. Think back, do alot of thinking on how you can change your situation and stop having these thoughts. Something triggered this in you and you have dwelt on it ever since and blown it so far out of porportion you've lost control of yourself. Find ways to circumvent the pain, loss, whatever your troubles are. Spend time finding ways to do this and ways to rid your mind of suicide instead of filling your mind with trying to find ways to commit suicide. You have a serious problem that needs to be delt with and fixed so you can resume a normal, happy life without the constant burden of pain. Do this, and suicide will no longer be an option, it will be one less horrible thought you can rid your mind of and replace it with something better. Commit to healing your pain, not committing suicide. And for those who think this is the easy way out...you have to be extremely brave, sure, and committed to end your life. It's the most difficult thing to go against human nature and kill yourself. That is why there are so many failed attempts versus successful attempts. This is not a childish attention getter nor is it a self-pity party. It is a very dark and heavy burden that is very real. Very real, and you're ignorant to believe otherwise. These people are in the deepest pain emotionally that most can't bare. They just can't bare it. This is why it is important to find the cause so you can change the effect and LIVE and Love life.
10 Aug 2005 Rachel I am just turning 13 I live in hatred of all humans. for years i have attempted suicide, cutting my wrists and throat, drinking iodine (some kind of brownish liquid that is fatal if one drinks to much, jumping off cliffs, sufficating, starving, etc. Every day I go to school, try to tear the throats out of about anyone I see. They don't think I would. Why haven't I? They're faster than me. stronger faster, but not more beautiful, no human can ever be that. They are scared to death of me, I can tell. Those who claim to love me might, but what the hell does that do? I dream night after night, and during the day too of killing them all, then being shot dead but someone trying to stop me. And it's not only them. Call me lazy, I hate all assignments and work. On a scale of one to ten, ten being the best existence or non esistance ever, this life is about a .00000000000001. It just plain sucks. Death aka nothing would be about a 5, not good nessecarily, but definatly not bad. anything higher is impossible. No one seems to think I'll do it, they ignore the slashing everyone can see on my wrists, but and of couse, I can't legally buy firearms... yet. I know existance sux and it wont get any better. One thing has stopped me. Survival instints. God damn survival instints. Everyone is born with them. They are what has kept me body from being found crushed at the bottom of a building. Don't ever think that suicide is »the easy way out.« It's not. Oh, sure I've got my share of therepists, who doesn't. But if I ever told them this, they would stop me. I like nature, maybe I would starve, be killed by a mountain lion or finds somepoisonous plants. but every part of it that still exists is owned but someone. I could never go there. One thing is for sure though. The only thing that can stop me from killing myself is something or someone else doing so. I probably screwed this up, put it in the wrong section or something. woop de doo i dont care. As for that post about the dark room, well isnt that amazing. You seem to forget all the other crap of life. I would definatly prefer the dark room with no sound, sight, heat cold etc. I'm suicidal and YOU'E not going to change it.
PS. No I do not want to be »freinds« with you, If you're On this site you probably don't want that either. They dont exist anyway. ANYONE with a boyfreind/girlfreind/husband/wife/whatever is deluding themselves. I would say the best way is to convince your body you're not getting rid of it. If theres nothing after death, wich chances extremely highly are there isn't, I can live with that. Or maybe »live« isn't the right word.
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