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This is a piece for those of you in the audience who happen to speak German.
And if you do happen to speak German after this piece you'll probably regret it . . .
One, two, three . . .
FZ: Once upon a time, way back a long time ago, when the universe consisted of nothing more elaborate than Mark Maroon . . .
Mark: Oh, thank you Frank. Hiya, friends! What a life! I can't begin to tell you. I mean, today as I was walking here, just like every place else I go, people walk up to me and they go, »Mark, Mark, Mark.« (Bark! Bark! Bark!) A hare-lipped dog. »Mark, are you kidding?« And all I can say back to them is friends, friends, I am not kidding. I feel great. I mean I'm portly, and I'm maroon. What else could you ask for? Can anybody here in this audience, in our vast audience back there, even you in the cheap seats, can you guess what I am?
Howard: No, we can't guess what you are
Jim: We can't guess what you are
Mark: Well then, I'll give each and every one of you some clues. Clue number one (and I've already given this away), I am portly, Clue number one. I am portly, I am clue number one.
(Mark! Mark!)
Howard: I still don't know who you are
Mark: OK, then I'll give you clue number two, and this is very important to the girls in the audience, I am double knit.
Mothers & Audience: Ohhhhh
Mark: I stretch. And clue number three . . .
Howard: Still don't know who you are, though
Mark: Well, I was gonna to give ya the clue anyway
FZ: Does it matter with a response like that?
Mark: Clue number three, and these are for the people standing right in front the vocal PA-mike, ICH BIN MAROON!
Howard: Ahhhh, Why didn't you say so!
FZ: Once upon a time, way back a long time ago, way back when the universe consisted of nothing more elaborate than Mark Maroon . . .
Mark: Thank you, Frank, hiya friends.
FZ: Trying to convince each and every member of this audience here tonight that he was nothing more, nothing less than a fat maroon sofa suspended in the midst of a vast emptiness, a light shineth down from Heaven. And who should appear but the Good Lord himself and his faithful Saint Bernard, Wendell.
Howard?: Down Wendell, down!
FZ: And he was feeling fine that day. And if there was one thing that he could use It would be a nice sofa for him and Wendell. And he looked at the sofa, and he said unto himself, »This sofa is all right except that what it needs is a floor.« And so in order to attain the floor, he consulted with the celestial corps of engineers and addressed them formally with a little song in Deutsch, because that is the way he talks whenever it's heavy business, take it away, God . . .
Gib zu mir etwas Fußbodenbelag
Unter diesem fetten, fließenden Sofa
(Everybody!)
Gib zu mir etwas Fußbodenbelag
Unter diesem fetten, fließenden Sofa
FZ: And of course that means, »Give unto to me a bit of flooring underneath of this fat floating sofa.« And sure enough boards of oak appeared throughout the emptiness as far as vision permits, stretching all the way from Fondue Central up on top of the hill, right down to the front door of the Excelsior Hotel. And the Lord proceeded to deliver unto the sofa a brief lecture that will set forth in specific language, the sum total of all of
their future relationships, including options, with an electric clarinet.
Yeah!
Ich bin der Himmel
(This goes out to Urban Gwerder in the box)
Ich bin das Wasser
Ich bin der Dreck unter deinen Walzen
Ich bin dein geheimer Schmutz
Und verlorenes Metallgeld (Metallgeld)
Unter deine Ritze
Ich bin deine Ritze und [Britze]
Ich bin Wolken
Ich bin bestickt
Ich bin der Autor aller Felgen
Und Damast Paspeln
Ich bin der chrome dinette
Ich bin der chrome dinette
Ich bin Eier aller Arten
Ich bin alle Tage und Naechte
Ich bin alle Tage und Naechte
Ich bin hier
Und du bist mein Sofa
(AIEE-AH!)
Ich bin hier
Und du bist mein Sofa
(AIEE-AH!)
Ich bin hier
Und du bist mein Sofa
FZ: I am here and you are my sofa
Eddie, are you kidding me?
Eddie, are you kidding me?
Eddie, are you kidding me?
Ein Licht scheint vom Himmel herab
Kometen und alle rasenden Truemmer
Dunkle Gase und tiefgefrorene negative aus [...]
Zittern bei der Ankunft des Herren
FZ: A light shines down from Heaven, a dense ecumenical patina at the right hand of God's big sofa. And the Lord put aside his huge cigar and considered it was time now to entertain himself on that Heavenly afternoon with the sofa, Wendell, his girlfriend -- who was a little bit short --, and her assistant Squat, the magic pig. And he did it like this:
Bring her zu mir
Das kurze Maedchen
FZ: Bring unto me the short girl
Und Squat, das magische Schwein
FZ: And Squat the magic pig. And the big light, because we're gonna make a home movie.
Fick mich, du miserabler Hurensohn
Du miserabler Hurensohn
Fick mich, du miserabler Hurensohn
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinen heißen gelockten
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinen heißen gelockten
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinen heißen gelockten schwanz
Ah-ee-ahee-ahhhhh!
([...] guys)
Fick mich, du miserabler Hurensohn
Du miserabler Hurensohn
Fick mich, du miserabler Hurensohn
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinen heißen gelockten
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinen heißen gelockten
Streck ihn aus
Streck aus deinen heißen gelockten schwanz
Ah-ee-ahee-ahhhhh!
Mach es sehr schnell
Rein und raus
Mach es sehr schnell
Rein und raus
Mach es sehr schnell
Rein und raus
Magisches Schwein
Mach es sehr schnell
Rein und raus
Magisches Schwein
Bis es spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt
Feuer!
Bis es spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt
Feuer!
Bis es spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt
Feuer!
Bis es spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt, spritzt
Feuer!
Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa!
Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa!
(Oh-wo-wo-wo-ow)
Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa!
(Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa)
Aber beklecker nicht das Sofa, Sofa!
Armed Forces Radio, Radio Free Europe
***** me, you ugly son of a bitch
You ugly son of a bitch
***** me, you ugly son of a bitch
Stick it out
Stick out yer hot curly weenie
Stick it out
Stick out yer hot curly weenie
Stick it out
Stick out yer hot curly weenie
Weenie . . . weenie, weenie, weenie!
Make it go fast
In and out
Make it go real fast
In and out
Make it go real fast
In and out
Magical Pig
Make it go real fast
In and out
Magical Pig
Till it squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts
Fire
Till it squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts
Fire
Till it squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts
Fire
(Three Dog Night)
Till it squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts, squirts
Fire
But don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa
Don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa
(Don't get no jizz upon that sofa)
Don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa
(Don't get no jizz upon that sofa)
Don't get no jizz upon that sofa, sofa
Please me!
I'm not a groupie!
I'm not a groupie!
I'm not a groupie!
I'm not a groupie!
I'm not a groupie!
I HEAR AND OBEY, SHORT GIRL.
FZ: Sheets of fire, ladies and gentlemen
Lachen von Feuer
FZ: Sheets of real fire
Lachen von Feuer
FZ: Sheets of fried water, which is a new form of fondue
Lachen von gebratenen Wasser
FZ: And the Lord causeth the short girl to kneel and make mysterious gestures near the reproductive orifice of Squat the magic pig, and proceeded to broadcast her pure sweet voice throughout his greatest new PA system all over the Alps and everything (yodel)
Fick mich, Schwein
Bis meine Orchester dunkles Gas bläst
Funken schießem heraus
Sich Nebel lassen Hort
FZ: And for our boys in uniform that means, »***** me, swine, until my orchestra blows dark gas, sparks shoot out, and nebulas are revealed.« Along with sheets of fire.
Lachen von Feuer
FZ: Sheets of fried water
Lachen von gebratenen Wasser
FZ: Sheets of drywall and roofing
Lachen von Drywall und Roofing
FZ: Sheets of large deep-fried rumba
Lachen von riesigen, tief-gefrorenen Rumba
FZ: A light shines down from Heaven. A dense ecumenical bandana at the right hand of God's big rumba . . . And his voice pronounceth out in sheets of plywood and bales of old sportshirts
(Vot dooz he say?)
FZ: And he says in the middle of his delirious stupor
Beklecker nicht
Beklecker nicht
Beklecker nicht
Beklecker nicht
Mein Sofa!
FZ: Obviously meaning, »Don't get no jizz on the sofa.« It is now time for the bales of imported unmiti-con, unmitigated zircon fondue.
Ballen von Zecken (Fondu)
Und alten Sporthemden, Sporthemden, Sporthemden (Fondu)
Lachen von Feuer (Fondu)
Lachen von Gummi (Fondu)
Lachen von Tränen (Fondu)
Lachen von Kataloge mit Kleister Spritze, Spritze, Spritze, Spritze, Spritze, Spritze (Fondu, Fondu, Fondu, Fondu)
(Frank Zappa)
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